The Emotional Meditator
By Kristen Lavigne
I once believed that as I moved along my spiritual path I would become a less emotional Being. It was my belief that as I moved towards enlightenment I would not be negatively affected by the human world. The days of sadness, anxiety, and fear would be behind me, and I would be in a constant state of calmness and bliss. In my mind the path to spiritual mastery was all rainbows and sunshine. Well, meditation has taught me one valuable tool. You can never have expectations, and there are no rainbows without rain showers. What I have learned through my meditation practice is to sit, to experience, and to let go. When I go into meditation I have no expectations. Experiences come in all shapes and sizes and one is no better then the other. It is the same with my emotions. They are all different and all have a purpose in my life. Joy and bliss make my life bright and bring me laughter and smiles. Fear, anxiety, and sadness are my teachers. These emotions expose the traumas I need to heal so I can become a more whole individual.
Not too long ago I had a surprising lesson in the power of the more “uncomfortable” emotions. I was away with some of my girlfriends. The ladies were all going out to the big city, and we had all been looking forward to it. On the day before we were to return home I was feeling very anxious and a little on edge. At first I blamed it on the morning coffee, but as the day wore on I knew that it was something deeper because the edginess was not ebbing. By evening the anxiety turned to sadness. I was very gentle with myself, not trying to force the emotion away. I knew the emotions I was experiencing, though uncomfortable, where there for a reason, and I had to let them run their course. As the sadness grew the deep rooted issue came to the surface, and I saw where the emotions where coming from. I looked at the trauma and saw that it was just a part of me that needed to be healed. Now I have to admit it was not the best timing for this trauma to come out and reveal itself. I was on vacation with my girlfriends. I wanted days of laughter and late nights filled with music and dancing. I was not expecting this trip to involve emotional processing too, but in life we can have no expectations. When wounds want to heal all we can do is just give them the room to do so. I gave myself the space I needed and let the natural process just happen without holding onto any feelings or judging any moments of the experience. By the next morning I felt like my old self, but with a much greater awareness. I came back home a little more whole.
Meditation has made me a Witness. I see myself for who I truly am. I am a spiritual Being having a human experience. There are dark parts to my nature that are sometimes suppressed. My emotions are valuable tools to help me see the dark parts so I can bring them to light. My emotions flow through me, and I watch my emotions without interpreting, interfering or analyzing them. Emotions can be expressions of the experience I am having, or they can be the key to opening the blockages in my soul. I am not my emotions; they are just a part of this experience. Now as I grow as a spiritual Being I know that there will always be a place for emotions in my life. Joy, bliss, sadness, fear, and anxiety will all pass through me, and with every moment I witness this I become a little more complete.